The Gift

This in-person interview has been transcribed.

What is it?

It’s a gift. It’s a Father’s Day gift that I received from my son Sam, around 1996, 1997 I think. I’ve carried it around now for twenty-two years in six cities and three continents. So, I’ve had it for a long time. And it’s very important to me.

Where does it live?

It’s pretty much always around in my room. Some bedroom, basically. Depends on how the bedroom is configured.

It sits on my dresser, a very messy dresser, but it’s on my dresser. I probably look at it every day.

Why is it important to you?

I was a new parent — we were new parents. I think all new parents are insecure, for various reasons. You have kids and there’s no experience you get you just have to do it on the spot. So you’re always a little worried you’re not doing it right.

For fathers, especially, a lot of this has to do with not being around enough. You’re at work. Sometimes you’re working nights, you’re traveling. So you’re always feeling slightly guilty that you’re not putting in enough time.

And then, on top of that, I think because of the nature of my job, it requires all these moves to different places. I mean three years was our max at any one place, and it was very different from the way I grew up (which was the only model I had, basically) so I was worried that I was, you know, inflicting indelible damage on my children by doing this.

So I was very insecure.

When Sam gave me that gift it was very reassuring, it was like a vote of confidence. It was important.

But what was written on the ball I thought was really good. It was, “kind”, “hard-working”, “funny”. So humor, kindness — I always liked that. It gave me a big boost, which is why I kept it.

And then it sort of changed as time went on, because then I looked at it as the phrase “keeping your eye on the ball”. Cause sometimes work is very frustrating, so you come home and you think “Oh my God [I will] have to deal with these people again” and then I see the ball and it’s about what’s important. It was sort of a touchstone about what really matters.

One of the things I did with Sam when he was very young was we’d throw the baseball out back. I’d come home from work and we’d sort of throw the ball to see how many times we could do it without dropping it.

As a matter of fact, I imagine (though I don’t know) that’s why Sam chose the baseball.

So it had all those nice connotations for me, so that’s why I kept it all these years and put it in that place.

What would you feel if you lost it?

Well, I don’t know if I could lose it, in a sense. You could lose the object but the intent is always there.

I’d be very sad, but I can’t imagine how I would lose it. I carried it around for all these years.